The Truth About The Fourth Trimester
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Hello, classic crew premium subscribers! Thursday (6/23/2022) at 9:15 pm EST I’ll be doing my monthly livestream Q&A on YouTube - but I’ll only be answering questions from YOU, the people who have access to my exclusive content here on Substack. This week I think it would be fun to focus on one specific topic - dating, relationships, and marriage.
If you have any questions for me, feel free to ask in the comments below! And if you have any more personal questions that you would like to keep anonymous, send them to my email at askclassicallyabby@gmail.com.
The Truth About The Fourth Trimester
Hello classic crew! I hope the start of your week is going well. Jacob and I had a wonderful weekend - we hosted ourselves a going away party and got to say goodbye to so many of the wonderful friends we have made while in Virginia. The weather was perfect, so we could really enjoy our backyard. As well, two couples we are friends with have babies that were born within a couple of weeks of our son, so it was a baby party!
Today, I want to share about the “fourth trimester.” If you haven’t heard that term, it was coined by Dr. Harvey Karp and it refers to the first 12 weeks after a baby is born. It’s almost like a continuation of your pregnancy as the baby is so closely tied to you as its mother, and you are adjusting to your new role as mama.
As I’m sitting at my computer feeling utterly grateful for my little family, I am remembering how just a few short weeks ago I was in the thick of new motherhood and struggling to keep my head above water. The fourth trimester is REAL. It’s almost like we hit the 13-week mark and all of a sudden I can see clearly.
The first few weeks after your baby is born are HARD. They are emotional and overwhelming. You are sleep-deprived, your hormones are going crazy, and every bit of routine you’ve ever had is out the window. Instead, you are caring for this adorable tiny person who you absolutely love but are constantly worried about keeping alive. You are told to sleep when the baby sleeps but your hormones won’t let you because you are anxious and concerned and over-exhausted.
I say all of this not to scare anyone, but to offer camaraderie and support. I know that all I needed to hear when I was in the worst of it was, “This is normal. I felt that way too. It will pass and you will love being a mother even more than you can imagine.” Talking about the truth of those first three months doesn’t undermine their beauty or undermine the importance of becoming a mother. It’s actually the opposite: it should bolster women to know that they will come out the other side and much of the hardship is temporary.
It’s crazy to think that now, as we’ve gotten into the swing of things, as I’ve grown to love my day-to-day and love my new routine, I can look back at those first few weeks and say, “Time really did go faster than I thought.” I look at my son, who is such a little person now with the best personality and the biggest smile, and remember when he was just a little adorable newborn who simply needed me.
And I think that’s the biggest takeaway of the fourth trimester: newborns just need their mamas. They need you all the time. And that’s why it’s so exhausting. They can’t express what they need exactly - you have to figure out. And often, it’s nothing more than your body warmth and all-encompassing love.
Being needed at all times is a beautiful, wonderful thing - but it’s also a huge adjustment. The time you had before for yourself is almost non-existent at the beginning. I just wish we had the gift of foresight at the beginning of the fourth trimester. In many ways, I felt like my life was OVER after my son was born. I didn’t have a moment to rest and if I did, I was constantly checking on him to make sure he was alright. But if I could have foreseen how much this was simply a season of life, I think I would have had more peace. If I had known that it was just three months of adjustment, I think I would have soaked it in more (or as much as I could have with all of the sleep-deprivation and hormones wreaking havoc with my mood regulation). I hope and pray that I’ll be more prepared for our next child and I won’t be so afraid of what the future holds. That I’ll accept where we are now without projecting that feeling into the future.
The truth is, mamas need to know that all of these feelings are part and parcel of new motherhood. It’s not an easy transition. It’s one in which you fundamentally change in the best way. And it’s a change that you truly cannot prepare for. There are certain feelings you have as a mother that you can’t explain to a pregnant woman before she has met her baby; I know that everything people said to me was true, and yet I couldn’t understand it. It was as if someone was trying to explain something to me and they used all the correct words and phrases…but they spoke underwater. I knew they were telling me something I should understand, but everything was just a little fuzzy.
Now that I’m through the fourth trimester, I can tell you that I absolutely LOVE being a mama. My son has grown and knows better what he needs; I’ve learned how to navigate my new role and how it fits in with my old life; and I’m making some big life changes to put myself in the best possible setting to raise my son. Moving to Florida to be near family and community is a huge part of the reason I’m doing so well. I know that we are nearing the time where we will have the support every new mother desperately needs. So as the fourth trimester draws to a close, I feel grateful to God for giving me the strength to move through it and into the next phase with our little family.
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments below!
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Welcome to Classically Abby!
I'm a wife, mama, opera singer, entrepreneur, YouTuber, and your guide to becoming the classic woman you've always wanted to be! Follow me on YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter to see how! And together, let's be classic.
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I feel like my question is kinda hard to answer, but do you have any advice as to how to put yourself out there with dating these days? I know that online dating seems to be everyone’s go-to these days and it’s a great way to connect with people. But sometimes I find it to be more challenging with the quality of dating. Such as seeking more traditional valued men. Just seeking advice!
Hi Abby! What are your thoughts on taking breaks from dating to focus on self improvement? I want to be the best version of myself for my future partner, but some of my friends think I’m putting too much pressure on myself to be “perfect” before dating again. While I’m not aiming to be perfect (or anywhere near it!), I do want to get more involved in my faith community, build my confidence and get in better shape, and a few other things that I think would make me a better partner. Am I being too rigid to put off dating while working on these things? Thank you! :)