Dog Moms Aren't Real Moms. Sorry, Not Sorry.
Plus, what's new on Classically Abby!
Hello classic crew, and happy Wednesday! The past few days have been absolutely CRAZY because…we’ve officially moved to FLORIDA! I can’t believe we are really HERE, that my family is all so close, and that we get to be part of a real Jewish community for the first time in so long. We are staying with my parents for the short time before our things are delivered, and it’s so hard to wrap my head around the idea that we don’t have to say goodbye to them in a few days. When we were on the plane here, I kept thinking, “I wonder what the flight back will be-” and then stopping myself as I remembered this was a one-way ticket!
The other day as I was looking at Instagram stories, I came across this post that someone shared and, as you might imagine, I had some THOUGHTS.
The caption for this photo reads:
We’re dealing with the myth of the Crazy Cat Lady less and less, but it seems like it’s still an ongoing fight to convince the world that human children are optional.
Not having them is either a conscious choice, a future possibility, or an unfortunate sad circumstance - either of them worthy of empathy and understanding.
In my mind there is nothing controversial in using the word “parenting” for taking care of any living being. We parent ourselves, we parent our partners or friends or even parents sometimes, heck we can parent our businesses or ventures, the environment, and we parent pets too. Saying “owner” sounds horrible, they’re not a dvd player.
In my mind parenting means taking care of all of someone or something’s needs with love and empathy. Broadening its meaning does not take away, it gives. It recognizes and celebrates the essence of caretaking. It’s not a pie, there is enough for everyone.
In my mind the gatekeeping of the word “parent” by human parents is fear and ego based. “I am not valued enough for how hard it is and now you’re taking this away from me and make a mockery out of it” is hating the player instead of the game. It is true, you aren’t valued enough and I’m here try to change that too.
This is not a comparison, hardships aren’t competitive, love for whoever or whatever you care for isn’t competitive.
Maybe if we indeed widened the meaning, more of us would relate to it and we could unite in acknowledging and celebrating our nurturing essences.
Whatever your choice of parenting is, you are valid and you are worthy.
#YouDoYou
As you might imagine, I disagree fundamentally with pretty much everything in both the picture and the caption. Even the hashtag, #YouDoYou, is a mentality I absolutely detest.
But let’s be clear: Dog moms aren’t real moms. Sorry, not sorry.
Being a mother is the greatest gift that God could give any woman. It’s what gives life meaning; it’s what makes time move with purpose; it’s how we serve God. Making light of it, comparing it to owning an animal, is ridiculous. It’s laughable. And honestly, it’s sad. Having a dog is often a way for women who long to be mothers to replace that yearning with something that allows them to put off the real responsibility of motherhood for a few years.
Dogs don’t grow up. They don’t become more adult over time and engage with the lessons you’ve taught them. They stay dogs forever: obedient, mostly, and content to do the same thing every week forever.
Babies become toddlers become teenagers become adults. And it’s only through all of the hard work and effort we as mothers put in that they become good members of society. That is what parenting is about. It’s about the entire process, from beginning to end, of raising a tiny human into a wonderful man or woman.
It’s sad to think that someone might believe that raising a dog is the same as raising a child - a dog will unconditionally love you without question. You don’t have to question your style of ownership every day and every week, hoping you are doing the best for your pet. A child, on the other hand, will love you, but you will have to give that child good reason to do so or the relationship will grow more and more strained over time. And your style of parenting will have to change with each growth spurt your child goes through in their life.
But let’s break down Lainey Molnar’s caption, piece by piece, starting with: “Human children are optional.” This is awful for three reasons. One, the artist is clearly setting the stage for the rest of her argument by specifying human children - as if any other children are remotely relevant to parenting - are optional. Second, children (not human children, just children) are not optional. Saying they are optional is an argument for abortion, as if it’s something you can choose to have or choose to destroy when convenient. Third, having children is not optional in the sense that it’s the greatest path to meaning and fulfillment. Choosing not to have children is a decision that can only be made in rare cases because it’s so fundamental to our purpose as human beings. As my husband said to me when we had our son and I was initially struggling to adjust: “Abby, this isn’t a choice. This is what people do.”
Next, Lainey Molnar tries to redefine the word parenting to be inclusive. Parenting can mean literally anything you want it to, she says. And calling yourself a dog “owner” is just so horribly demeaning. According to Molnar, parents who gatekeep the term do so out of fear and ego. Because parenting is so hard, we feel that the dog moms are making a mockery of our difficult work. But Molnar is here for us. We are all struggling, so let’s support each other rather than compare.
These kinds of arguments look so nice on paper. We’re all in this together, why can’t we just respect one another’s choices? But, in fact, this is all about the erasure of truth. It’s all about inclusivity, because by acknowledging the truth that parenting has one definition, we are oppressing those people who aren’t parents. They want to be parents even if they’re not - why aren’t YOU letting them? So what do we have to do? Redefine the word so literally ANYONE can be a parent.
Isn’t that nice?
No, it’s not. It erases the very real responsibility of mothers who are raising children and parenting with purpose. It encourages young women to put off having a family in favor of owning a dog, which in reality will leave them sad and purposeless when they haven’t had children. It includes, and includes, and includes until parenting means so much it actually means nothing at all.
So, no. Dog moms aren’t real moms. Sorry, not sorry.
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What about those of us who are infertile and so desperately want to be a "real" mother. My husband and I have 2 cats that we pour our love and nurturing into while trying to set up our lives for foster care (hopefully).
While I don't call them "fur babies", they're what I have right now. I feel like this perspective gets lost. The infertile are constantly forgotten in terms of what it means to be a woman or to have a loving family.
I finally watched the YAF "Culture" video. I really wish I had someone at that age giving me that good advice, Abby. I have had a lot of VERY HARD lessons I have learned on my journey through life that could have been prevented knowing what I know now. Thank you for teaching young people about what REALLY matters. When you said " Instead of changing the world, I let the world change me." Gosh it hit me like a ton of bricks because that is how I have felt for years but could not phrase it as well as you!