You're Not Entitled To Being Loved.
Put in the work.
I was sitting in the car listening to a Celtic Playlist on Spotify and looking at the new ring on my right hand. My husband and I chose to celebrate our third anniversary two weeks early by going to Colonial Williamsburg, a sort of tradition for us ever since going two years ago for our first anniversary. While there, we went to Busch Gardens, one of our favorite places, and Williamsburg proper. As a mutual gift, we had chosen to purchase matching Celtic knot rings - my husband has some Scottish/Irish heritage and we love the culture.
As I looked at the ring on my finger, I felt a swell of emotion recognizing how loved I felt; how I had found a man who wanted to wear matching signets to signify our commitment and relationship; how someone had chosen me to be his partner and wore that choice proudly every day. And I felt so lucky as I realized that this amazing man loved me for me. I always hoped I would find someone who chose me over all others to spend his life with, and here I was, three years into forever with just such a man.
But my thoughts didn't stop there. As I sat with my hands on the steering wheel, feeling blessed and grateful, I also felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility. To be loved and cherished is not something to take for granted.
It's a privilege, not a right.
When you get married, it’s a reflection of your chemistry and your compatibility as a couple. But you are not guaranteed a wonderful relationship moving forward regardless of your behavior. The divorce statistics prove this - 40-50% of marriages in America end in divorce. When people treat being loved as a right, it prevents them from growing, changing, and improving to be the best partner they can be. You don’t have a right to another’s love and care for you. When you commit yourself to another person, you have a right to their faithfulness – but you must continue to earn their love each day by showing that you care enough to put in the work.
Often, people feel that any criticism from a partner means that their partner doesn’t accept them for “who they are.” But who you are – your personality, your preferences – is entirely separate from what you choose to do. For example, my husband will point out to me that I check my phone too often and instead should leave it home when we go out together. Is he criticizing who I am or is he criticizing what I’m doing? I don’t feel that my husband loves me any less in voicing his concern over my connection to technology – in fact, I feel more loved that he wants what’s best for me. But if you tie your self-worth to all of the actions you take, then any criticism your spouse shares with you is a personal attack. If your partner asks you to grow, that doesn't mean they dislike you. In fact, it’s actually the opposite. They see the diamond that can shine underneath the coal and want to help you to reach your potential.
When you marry someone, theoretically you trust that they are a good person and want what's best for you. If that's the case, when they ask you to grow, that's not something to brush off - instead, it's something to consider. And refusing to improve is not conducive to a long-lasting relationship. At the end of the day, you don't deserve to be loved just because you think you do. Yes, marriage is a commitment that requires both individuals to fight for the relationship. But each person must put in the work to keep things healthy and flourishing.
When Jacob and I first got together, one of the things we both admired in each other was our willingness to listen to the other’s concerns. In our civil ceremony, I actually thanked him for this in my vows – and today I recognize its importance even more acutely.
So often people use being loved as an excuse to become worse rather than better. The famous quote misattributed to Marilyn Monroe comes to mind: “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.” People act as if being loved is an excuse to act terribly because love is “unconditional.” But in all honesty…love isn’t. If you don’t put in the work, you aren’t guaranteed that the person who loves you now will love you ten years from now. And even though the ring might stay on your finger, your relationship may falter. In many ways, finding the perfect partner is about finding someone who is willing to constantly improve and grow with you so your relationship gets better over time.
It is your responsibility when someone loves you to do everything you can to be the best version of yourself, to recognize the privilege of having been chosen by someone for a lifelong commitment. Love is a choice in and of itself, and it's one you must make every day. But it's not only about choosing to love your partner on the hard days - it's about choosing to make yourself worthy of being loved as well.
Quote of the Week:
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” - William Shakespeare
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Welcome to Classically Abby!
I'm your resident #ConservativeInfluencer, opera singer, fashionista, makeup artist, and wife with a classic take on the modern world. Follow me on YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter to see how! And together, let's be classic.
Your opinions and views are so refreshing. I wish more people understood that love and commitment requires everyday effort. Great article. Thanks Abby!
An excellent and thought-provoking article! Thank you, Abby!