The Truth About "Love Languages"
PLUS, A.V. Club is tomorrow night!
The Truth About “Love Languages”
Hello friends! I hope your week is going well. Mine has alternatively been incredibly difficult and incredibly exciting. Mr. Baby caught a virus and had a fever on and off for five days, which was really hard. We actually went to the ER on Sunday night because at 2:30 in the morning he spiked a 104 degree fever and he couldn’t keep infant Tylenol down. That’s when we learned you can give infants Tylenol suppositories, which has been an absolute lifesaver. On the other end of the spectrum, something amazing is going on in our lives which you will find out about soon enough :) Sorry I’ve been teasing it for so long! But I think we are going to share it next week.
Today, I wanted to talk about love languages. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately because I do believe that there is some validity to the theory that people communicate love in different ways. However, there is one major flaw in this hypothesis: quality time is, to be blunt, irreplaceable.
The theory of the five love languages, according to Wikipedia, is as follows: “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1992 book by Gary Chapman. It outlines five general ways that romantic partners express and experience love, which Chapman calls ‘love languages’. They are acts of service, gift-giving, physical touch, quality time, and words of affirmation.” According to Chapman, we each receive love in different ways, and often we give love in the same way that we receive it. If we feel loved when someone does something for us, we will do things for other people to show that we love them back.
But all of the other love languages taken in a vacuum do not replace the importance of quality time. If you never spend time with your sister, for example, but she’s constantly sending you gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, it doesn’t matter if your love language is “gifts.” You haven’t spent time with your sister in a decade! How do you even know who she is anymore?
The idea of quality time, according to Chapman, is time that is completely focused on one person without any distractions. You are giving someone your full, undivided attention. It’s not talking while you do the dishes, or watching TV together while you scroll your phone. It’s sitting, focused, with your spouse and sharing your time.
But the fact of the matter is, every relationship demands quality time in order for it to thrive. I recently had someone tell me that they believed that quality time was, in a sense, indulgent. Why did one need directed time to express love? Isn’t love clear from all the things a person does for someone else?
Frankly, the answer is no. Any of the other four love languages done without quality time is oddly random. You can’t have a relationship with someone if you don’t even know the person who you are doing “acts of service” for, for example. You can’t know what gift a person would love if you don’t spend enough time with them to know what they’ve been wishing for.
The essential mistake here is including quality time in the five love languages. Quality time is the fundamental basis for all the rest of the love languages, not one among many. Without spending enough targeted time with someone, acts of service, words of affirmation, physical touch, and gifts all mean nothing. Instead of viewing the time you spend with someone as just one way to show love, view it as the essential foundation for every other love language you both might speak. Quality time is crucial to a good relationship - and that’s the truth.
What do you think? Share your thoughts in the comments down below!
TOMORROW: The Classically Abby A.V. Club
Tomorrow night we will convene our very first Classically Abby A.V. Club! Join our Zoom call at 8:30 PM EST to discuss Breakfast at Tiffany’s - a classic! If you’d like to include your friends, consider sharing this newsletter with them or getting a group subscription to have more lovely women join the fun!
ANNOUNCING: This Month’s Book Club Selection!
I’m excited to share this month’s book club selection! This month we are reading non-fiction (we switch up month-to-month) and the book we will be reading is…The Case Against The Sexual Revolution! After hearing the author, Louise Perry, on Bari Weiss’ podcast, I reached out to her. She will be coming on my podcast after book club discussion next month and she will be answering YOUR questions! Make sure to keep a running list of questions that I can share with her. I can’t wait to discuss it with you all!
What’s New On Classically Abby…
Welcome to Classically Abby!
I'm a wife, mama, opera singer, entrepreneur, YouTuber, and your guide to becoming the classic woman you've always wanted to be! Follow me on YouTube, Instagram, and Twitter to see how! And together, let's be classic.
*Disclosure: This email may contain affiliate links, which means I may receive a commission if you click on a link and purchase something. Thank you for your support!
Couldnt have said it better! Quality time is very vital and without it, the relationship suffers greatly. In my experience, I felt very unloved and abondened. It is not possible to just “get over it.” Its a vital need to be heard listened and cared for.
This makes so much sense once you say it but I never would have thought of it 😆